Salma couldn't believe it herself. This is the one thing she has always wanted, now she has it, at least she thinks she has it, and all it's ever done was make her miserable. To be fair, it has also made her happy at times. It makes her stand out. It opens doors for her. It even makes people love her, makes them want to be close to her. If only they knew how far away she, some times, wants to run from them all. If she only she didn't need them. That's a very scary thought, she realised she needed people, maybe even more than they needed her.
You see she had first heard of this thing - this gift - for it was indeed a gift, when she was a little girl. She couldn't have been more than five years old. She heard about a man who had this gift. She found out everything she could about him. The more she found out, the more she wanted this gift. She was fascinated by his life. People sought this man out from all the ends of the world just to experience this gift of his. He was very rich, Kings and queens adored him and bowed before him but none of this concerned her. Her main concern was how easy his life must have been. How easy this gift must have made his life. An easy life appealed to her.
Apparently, this man asked God for this gift and got it. Salma resolved to ask God for this gift too. So for as long as she could remember, she asked for this gift evey time as she prayed. Sometimes, she only prayed because she wanted to ask for this gift. Now she has it. At least she thinks she does. Why so miserable then? Why does it pull people to her and in equal measure push her so far away from them that she almost always feels lonely even in a room full of friends? What a paradox. It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic. Is her life tragic?
These were just some of the questions she was pondering when she was jolted back into reality by the sound of her phone vibrating on the glass coffee table within reaching distance of the couch she was lying on, in her living room. The nice living room, in the very nice apartment she lives in, thanks to her gift. She checked the phone and saw she had messages from Thierry. She remembered they were texting earlier, before she wondered off in her thoughts.
She had texted him to chat about the strange feelings she had, he helped her talk through it and she realised she was feeling lonely and sad. Even though they were thousand of miles apart now, she knew she could always count on Thierry to help her process her thoughts. He was so easy to talk to. They talked some more. Then he made a joke. It wasn't an insensitive joke. It wasn't offensive. It just wasn't the right joke.
She wished him good night and thanked him for listening. He must have sensed from from the abrupt end to the chat that she wasn't happy. He tried to make amends.
"Are you okay? Did I say something wrong? I feel like I offended you"
"I'm not okay. You didn't say anything wrong. You didn't say the right thing either but how would even know the right thing to say when you're not in my head. How could I ever expect anyone to understand and say the right things when even I don't understand?"
As she wrote those words she broke down and cried. She tried to stop but it was too late so she let herself go and cried like a baby. She cried until she felt better. She went to the bathroom and washed her face. As she washed her face, she thought about the realisation that just made her cry. It was the truth in a nutshell. How could she possibly expect anyone to really understand the things that go on in her head talk more of say the right things? She doesn't even understand it all herself.
It would be unfair. Really, really unfair to put all that pressure on anybody. Not even ones partner or ex-partner. She made this known to Thierry, wished him a good night and thanked him for listening. This time, she meant it. He said some more nice things to her and made her promise to text him tomorrow. Bless him. Bless him but this was her cross, she asked for it all those years ago and she resolved to carry it herself. Even on days and nights when she craved, so much, the same human touch she despised. On nights she just wanted to cuddle with someone but also instantly ruled out cuddling with pretty much everyone on earth.
